Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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