how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Mom said you looked used
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
