Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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