tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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