OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
