Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
