Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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