I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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