Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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