So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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