Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
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Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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