I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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