There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
