Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
