Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
