Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
