If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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