Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
