Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
