Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
