I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
