The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
