Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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