You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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