R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
