You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
