Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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