Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
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After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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