when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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