it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
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She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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