I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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