Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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