I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
