can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
