I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
