i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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