Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
