he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
