it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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