I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
