Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I AM VODKA MAN
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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