Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
