: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
