he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
