I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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