My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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