it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
