If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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