I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Holy sore nipples Batman
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
