The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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