i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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