my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
