Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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