oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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