im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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