Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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