remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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