Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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