My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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