You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
