ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
